From the moment the word “cancer” became a terrifying
reality in our family, we prayed for a miracle. We prayed for a miracle when
she had the hysterectomy that the surgery would successfully remove all traces.
When that didn’t happen, we prayed for a miracle that the chemotherapy would,
against the odds, reverse the cancer growth. When that didn’t happen and we
were told that the cancer was terminal, we prayed that our miracle would be in
the time we had left with her. Perhaps we would have enough time for me to bear
my first child that Mom could hold my little baby in her arms. Maybe Ben would
meet a beautiful young woman and a relationship would blossom so that Mom could
know her future daughter in law. When the miracle of that precious - prayed for
time was cut short, I felt I was robbed of my miracles. I was angry until it
dawned on me that one of the greatest miracles I could have been blessed with,
was to have had Laurel as my mother, my mentor, my confidant, and my best
friend.
We never really received good news when it came to the
prognosis of her cancer. We started out this journey with such optimism which
unfortunately was quickly destroyed. The past 8 months have been, as my
dad has put it, like a boxing match. You are repeatedly knocked to the ground. Each
time, you pray for strength and with God's help you manage to rise and carry
on.
When we were told we had 12-18 months, I made grand plans
about how we would spend Mom’s last year on earth, but life doesn’t always go
according to plans. During the last week of her life, I sat by her bedside and
held her hand while she slept. I reminisced about life and asked her to send
blessings from the other side. One day when I thought she was sleeping I held
her had against my cheek and quoted from our favorite childhood book. With
tears in my eyes I softly spoke as I rocked back and forth “I’ll love you
forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my mommy you’ll be.”
She opened her eyes and cried “I’m so sorry.”
I wrote a poem for my
Mom in October 2016 when she was first diagnosed with cancer. In January of
that year I had suffered a miscarriage and lost my grandfather within the same
week. I titled it
“It Comes in Threes”
They say it
comes in threes
But somehow I
thought it would be different for me
The blows I
suffered seemed so much harder to bear
How silly of
me to think I was the exception to life being unfair.
One
paralyzing loss got swallowed up by another,
I started to
break and didn’t think I could recover.
But piece by
piece with gentle care
My loved ones
helped me mend each tear.
I steadied
myself, took a deep breath, and brushed the dust from my knees
Why, oh, why
didn’t I believe them when they said it comes in threes?
When I heard
the news it stopped my world from spinning, I was shattered to the core
My eyes
welled up with tears, I didn’t know how to breathe anymore.
I could see
the fear in your eyes, I heard the doubt in your voice, yet you didn’t skip a
beat
You dried
your tears, put up your chin, and I knew you would not accept defeat.
“I didn’t
have an excuse to stop living life this morning, what excuse do I have now?”
I am amazed
you have the courage to smile in the face of fear, I hope someday you will
teach me how.
You have
taught me that heartache and sorrow are no match for the peace the Savior
brings,
Through his
atoning sacrifice we have the promise of better things.
The
scriptures, prayer, and priesthood blessings are where true power start
Through them,
Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit calm my tortured heart.
When life is
overwhelming we have been given tools such as these…
I guess that
is what they really mean when they say is comes in threes.
2016 was a really tough year for me. Unfortunately 2017
hasn’t been very kind either. I have been blessed with family and friends that
offered an outpouring of love and support during tough times but no one knew
how to comfort me quite like my mom did. She was really good and knowing what
needed to be said during those hard times. During any time, really. I miss her.
About a month ago, my mom looked at me and Ben and asked
“What are you going to say at my funeral?” Ben said “I am going to say that I
had the bestest mommy in the whole wide world.” She laughed and turned to me
and said “What are you going to say.” Grinning, I answered “I had the bestest
mommy in the whole wide world!” She laughed and called us stinkers. I really
did have the bestest mommy in the whole world, and I hope today I can give
everyone an idea why.
Laurel’s life was a gift. She radiated a joy and light that
warmed the hearts of everyone she met. She had an incredible talent of making
any and all who came in contact with her feel loved. One of the “grand plans” I
had was making a few videos for and about my mom. I was going to have a video
of her reading children’s books so my kids could read with Grandma. I was going
to make a video of her reminiscing about life. A video for me. A video for Ben.
A video for Dad. Those unfortunately did not happen, however, an opportunity I
did have was to meet with a number of the friends that she made throughout her
life and talk about their experiences with her. I learned so much about her! As
her daughter, I thought I knew everything there was to know about her. I
quickly learned that while I knew almost everything there was to know about her
in her role of a mother, I had no idea about all her experiences she had and
all the lives she touched as a friend. I talked to about a dozen or so women,
some of which had known my mom for 50+ years, and every single one of them said
that “no matter how many days, weeks, months, or years had passed since they
had last spoken, when they got back together it would be as if no time had
passed at all.” No matter who she talked to, she showed a genuine interest in
them. Laurel had a way of loving everyone in the way they needed to be loved
and boy, did my mom know how to love.
My Mom loved my Dad very much. Marriage had been a long awaited and much
anticipated blessing for her and although they had more than their fair share
of heartaches, my parents had one of the most blissful marriages based on pure
love. They had the kind of love you read about in fairytales, not because of
castles and far off lands, but because- despite the tragedies- they did live
and will continue in the next life to live happily ever after.
She was a mother who believed in her children. She always
pushed me to be the best I could be. She encouraged me to accomplish hard things.
Often I would feel that I wasn’t smart enough or strong enough to do ambitious
things, but with her help I did. I got married at the young age of 19 and while
that terrified my Mother, and it took some time for her to get used to the
idea, she helped me prepare for absolutely everything- from wedding dress,
venue, and cake to preparing to go through the temple. While I was away on my
honeymoon, my mom arranged furniture and moved us in to our apartment so we had
a “home” to come home to- instead of boxes to unpack. Another example is when
it came time for Ben to serve a mission and he was told that the church’s
stance was that he was honorably excused from missionary work, rather than step
back, my mom stepped forward and said “I have taught him his whole life, that
every worthy young man is called to serve. He is worthy. So he is going.” And
surely enough, he did.
Laurel loved the gospel. She had a strong, fervent testimony
of its truthfulness and she embodied what it truly meant to serve. She loved everyone
she served and she served countless people throughout her life. She was on
virtually every food committee for treks, young women camps, and other ward and
stake events. She served as a member of the presidency of Primary, Young Women,
and Relief Society in both ward and stake capacities. She would always
volunteer to take meals when asked and sometimes even when she wasn’t asked.
Mom knew how to celebrate little things as well as big
things. She was the first to volunteer to throw a bridal or baby shower for
friends, ward members, or family. She would put together a bag of goodies for
birthdays, graduations, promotions, weddings, babies, and sometimes she would
send someone a little something just to let them know they were loved.
She was one of the most giving and selfless people I had
ever met. She went above and beyond for not only her loved ones but her loved
ones loved ones. When my husband, Stephen’s grandfather died, she came to the
viewing and funeral even though I don’t think she had ever even spoken to the
man- she went because she loved Stephen and she wanted him to know she was there
to support him during that hard time. Another example is when Stephen’s brother
got married, I decided I was going to gift the newlyweds a dining room table and
chairs that we happened to receive for free. The table was beautiful but the
chairs could really use a little TLC. I asked my mom if she would help me
reupholster the chairs. She went with me to pick out fabric, order the fabric,
carefully measure, cut, and reupholster the chairs. Then we even delivered the
chairs and helped find a place in their house for them. And by “we”, I mean she
did most of work. It was a big project but she did it. She did it because she
loved me and I loved Adam and Maddie so therefore, Mom loved Adam and Maddie.
Mom was fun. She made everything fun. When Ben and I were
little and school was out for the summer she would take us on an outing every
week. To museums, the State Capitol, the zoo. Every year when autumn came, we
would all get in the car (Dad, Mom, Me and Ben) and take a drive up a canyon,
when we would come around a bend and new vibrant fall colors would come into
view my mom would exclaim “Ooooo! Look at how pretty!” Road trips were always
fun with Mom, she would bring CDs and sings along to Johnny Mathis, Sleepless
in Seattle soundtrack, and countless Broadway show tunes. I loved going on
adventures with her for ladies night while the men were at the Priesthood
session of General Conference. “Let’s go drive down a road we have never been
on before!” She would say. Eventually that because quite the feat as she had
been down almost every road we came across. She loved old movies and quoted
from them often. She loved to sing, not in a choir but she had a song for just
about any word that came out of your mouth. Towards the end, she even made the last few
days of her life fun. People had been so generous bringing flowers and food.
It’s almost like they had eyes inside our house because whenever we would
finish one loaf of banana bread (which did not take long because we love banana
bread) a new one would appear. I walked into her room and said “Did you know
you won a never-ending supply of banana bread?” She and my dad laughed and mom
said “Yippee!” As her health started to really take a turn for the worst my dad
was lying next to her, holding her hand and said “I am going to have the
biggest hole in my heart when you leave” My mom opened her eyes and softly said
“Oh, poor baby” She had a funny sense of humor.
My mom was a miracle- a beautiful, radiant, joyous miracle.
To me. To my family. And to countless others. Because of her life, others’
lives will never be the same. Many have remarked that there must not have been
much of a change for her when she passed through the veil into the next life-
She has always been an angel and they couldn’t be more right about that. I know
that through the atonement I can see her again, I just wish I didn’t have to
wait. If I work really hard, maybe I can be half the woman she was, but for her
it seemed effortless. She was everything a mother should be and more. And
although it will take a long time, I will be ok because she raised me to be
strong. I have never felt closer to my Dad and Ben and that is something I am
so thankful for. Families are forever. My family is forever. What a miracle
that is. Because of that miracle: I’ll love her forever. I’ll like her for
always. Forever and ever, my mommy she will be.
