My Miracle of a Mother

From the moment the word “cancer” became a terrifying reality in our family, we prayed for a miracle. We prayed for a miracle when she had the hysterectomy that the surgery would successfully remove all traces. When that didn’t happen, we prayed for a miracle that the chemotherapy would, against the odds, reverse the cancer growth. When that didn’t happen and we were told that the cancer was terminal, we prayed that our miracle would be in the time we had left with her. Perhaps we would have enough time for me to bear my first child that Mom could hold my little baby in her arms. Maybe Ben would meet a beautiful young woman and a relationship would blossom so that Mom could know her future daughter in law. When the miracle of that precious - prayed for time was cut short, I felt I was robbed of my miracles. I was angry until it dawned on me that one of the greatest miracles I could have been blessed with, was to have had Laurel as my mother, my mentor, my confidant, and my best friend.

We never really received good news when it came to the prognosis of her cancer. We started out this journey with such optimism which unfortunately was quickly destroyed. The past 8 months have been, as my dad has put it, like a boxing match. You are repeatedly knocked to the ground. Each time, you pray for strength and with God's help you manage to rise and carry on.

When we were told we had 12-18 months, I made grand plans about how we would spend Mom’s last year on earth, but life doesn’t always go according to plans. During the last week of her life, I sat by her bedside and held her hand while she slept. I reminisced about life and asked her to send blessings from the other side. One day when I thought she was sleeping I held her had against my cheek and quoted from our favorite childhood book. With tears in my eyes I softly spoke as I rocked back and forth “I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my mommy you’ll be.” She opened her eyes and cried “I’m so sorry.”

I wrote a poem for my Mom in October 2016 when she was first diagnosed with cancer. In January of that year I had suffered a miscarriage and lost my grandfather within the same week. I titled it

“It Comes in Threes”

They say it comes in threes

But somehow I thought it would be different for me

The blows I suffered seemed so much harder to bear

How silly of me to think I was the exception to life being unfair.

One paralyzing loss got swallowed up by another,

I started to break and didn’t think I could recover.

But piece by piece with gentle care

My loved ones helped me mend each tear.

I steadied myself, took a deep breath, and brushed the dust from my knees

Why, oh, why didn’t I believe them when they said it comes in threes?

When I heard the news it stopped my world from spinning, I was shattered to the core

My eyes welled up with tears, I didn’t know how to breathe anymore.

I could see the fear in your eyes, I heard the doubt in your voice, yet you didn’t skip a beat

You dried your tears, put up your chin, and I knew you would not accept defeat.

“I didn’t have an excuse to stop living life this morning, what excuse do I have now?”

I am amazed you have the courage to smile in the face of fear, I hope someday you will teach me how.

You have taught me that heartache and sorrow are no match for the peace the Savior brings,

Through his atoning sacrifice we have the promise of better things.

The scriptures, prayer, and priesthood blessings are where true power start

Through them, Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit calm my tortured heart.

When life is overwhelming we have been given tools such as these…

I guess that is what they really mean when they say is comes in threes.

2016 was a really tough year for me. Unfortunately 2017 hasn’t been very kind either. I have been blessed with family and friends that offered an outpouring of love and support during tough times but no one knew how to comfort me quite like my mom did. She was really good and knowing what needed to be said during those hard times. During any time, really. I miss her.

About a month ago, my mom looked at me and Ben and asked “What are you going to say at my funeral?” Ben said “I am going to say that I had the bestest mommy in the whole wide world.” She laughed and turned to me and said “What are you going to say.” Grinning, I answered “I had the bestest mommy in the whole wide world!” She laughed and called us stinkers. I really did have the bestest mommy in the whole world, and I hope today I can give everyone an idea why.

Laurel’s life was a gift. She radiated a joy and light that warmed the hearts of everyone she met. She had an incredible talent of making any and all who came in contact with her feel loved. One of the “grand plans” I had was making a few videos for and about my mom. I was going to have a video of her reading children’s books so my kids could read with Grandma. I was going to make a video of her reminiscing about life. A video for me. A video for Ben. A video for Dad. Those unfortunately did not happen, however, an opportunity I did have was to meet with a number of the friends that she made throughout her life and talk about their experiences with her. I learned so much about her! As her daughter, I thought I knew everything there was to know about her. I quickly learned that while I knew almost everything there was to know about her in her role of a mother, I had no idea about all her experiences she had and all the lives she touched as a friend. I talked to about a dozen or so women, some of which had known my mom for 50+ years, and every single one of them said that “no matter how many days, weeks, months, or years had passed since they had last spoken, when they got back together it would be as if no time had passed at all.” No matter who she talked to, she showed a genuine interest in them. Laurel had a way of loving everyone in the way they needed to be loved and boy, did my mom know how to love.

My Mom loved my Dad very much.  Marriage had been a long awaited and much anticipated blessing for her and although they had more than their fair share of heartaches, my parents had one of the most blissful marriages based on pure love. They had the kind of love you read about in fairytales, not because of castles and far off lands, but because- despite the tragedies- they did live and will continue in the next life to live happily ever after.

She was a mother who believed in her children. She always pushed me to be the best I could be. She encouraged me to accomplish hard things. Often I would feel that I wasn’t smart enough or strong enough to do ambitious things, but with her help I did. I got married at the young age of 19 and while that terrified my Mother, and it took some time for her to get used to the idea, she helped me prepare for absolutely everything- from wedding dress, venue, and cake to preparing to go through the temple. While I was away on my honeymoon, my mom arranged furniture and moved us in to our apartment so we had a “home” to come home to- instead of boxes to unpack. Another example is when it came time for Ben to serve a mission and he was told that the church’s stance was that he was honorably excused from missionary work, rather than step back, my mom stepped forward and said “I have taught him his whole life, that every worthy young man is called to serve. He is worthy. So he is going.” And surely enough, he did.

Laurel loved the gospel. She had a strong, fervent testimony of its truthfulness and she embodied what it truly meant to serve. She loved everyone she served and she served countless people throughout her life. She was on virtually every food committee for treks, young women camps, and other ward and stake events. She served as a member of the presidency of Primary, Young Women, and Relief Society in both ward and stake capacities. She would always volunteer to take meals when asked and sometimes even when she wasn’t asked.

Mom knew how to celebrate little things as well as big things. She was the first to volunteer to throw a bridal or baby shower for friends, ward members, or family. She would put together a bag of goodies for birthdays, graduations, promotions, weddings, babies, and sometimes she would send someone a little something just to let them know they were loved.

She was one of the most giving and selfless people I had ever met. She went above and beyond for not only her loved ones but her loved ones loved ones. When my husband, Stephen’s grandfather died, she came to the viewing and funeral even though I don’t think she had ever even spoken to the man- she went because she loved Stephen and she wanted him to know she was there to support him during that hard time. Another example is when Stephen’s brother got married, I decided I was going to gift the newlyweds a dining room table and chairs that we happened to receive for free. The table was beautiful but the chairs could really use a little TLC. I asked my mom if she would help me reupholster the chairs. She went with me to pick out fabric, order the fabric, carefully measure, cut, and reupholster the chairs. Then we even delivered the chairs and helped find a place in their house for them. And by “we”, I mean she did most of work. It was a big project but she did it. She did it because she loved me and I loved Adam and Maddie so therefore, Mom loved Adam and Maddie.

Mom was fun. She made everything fun. When Ben and I were little and school was out for the summer she would take us on an outing every week. To museums, the State Capitol, the zoo. Every year when autumn came, we would all get in the car (Dad, Mom, Me and Ben) and take a drive up a canyon, when we would come around a bend and new vibrant fall colors would come into view my mom would exclaim “Ooooo! Look at how pretty!” Road trips were always fun with Mom, she would bring CDs and sings along to Johnny Mathis, Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack, and countless Broadway show tunes. I loved going on adventures with her for ladies night while the men were at the Priesthood session of General Conference. “Let’s go drive down a road we have never been on before!” She would say. Eventually that because quite the feat as she had been down almost every road we came across. She loved old movies and quoted from them often. She loved to sing, not in a choir but she had a song for just about any word that came out of your mouth.  Towards the end, she even made the last few days of her life fun. People had been so generous bringing flowers and food. It’s almost like they had eyes inside our house because whenever we would finish one loaf of banana bread (which did not take long because we love banana bread) a new one would appear. I walked into her room and said “Did you know you won a never-ending supply of banana bread?” She and my dad laughed and mom said “Yippee!” As her health started to really take a turn for the worst my dad was lying next to her, holding her hand and said “I am going to have the biggest hole in my heart when you leave” My mom opened her eyes and softly said “Oh, poor baby” She had a funny sense of humor.

My mom was a miracle- a beautiful, radiant, joyous miracle. To me. To my family. And to countless others. Because of her life, others’ lives will never be the same. Many have remarked that there must not have been much of a change for her when she passed through the veil into the next life- She has always been an angel and they couldn’t be more right about that. I know that through the atonement I can see her again, I just wish I didn’t have to wait. If I work really hard, maybe I can be half the woman she was, but for her it seemed effortless. She was everything a mother should be and more. And although it will take a long time, I will be ok because she raised me to be strong. I have never felt closer to my Dad and Ben and that is something I am so thankful for. Families are forever. My family is forever. What a miracle that is. Because of that miracle: I’ll love her forever. I’ll like her for always. Forever and ever, my mommy she will be.