Everything Has Changed

November 9, 2015 changed my life; I looked at that faintly positive pregnancy test for almost an hour while crying tears of joy and surprise and confusion. My husband wasn't home but he knew I was going to be taking a pregnancy test as I was overdue for a period by almost 2 weeks. I called him.

 "Are you sitting down?" I asked.
"Are you really??" he exclaimed.
"I think I am." I cried happily.

Our little family of 2 was unexpectedly turning into a little family of 3. 

Everything had to change: Our plans for where to live, how to spend vacation time, how much to put into savings. It certainly wasn't what we were planning on but we were going to make it work as best we could.

I went to my first appointment on December 9, 2015. 

I had an ultrasound on December on December 17, 2015. Our surprise bundle of joy would arrive on July 23, 2016. We were so excited.

On January 1, 2016 we announced on Facebook,

I excitedly looked forward to my next appointment; I couldn't wait to listen to my little baby's heartbeat! Everything would become so much more real! My appointment was set for January 6, 2016, 3 days before my 12 week mark. 

The day came! I could hardly stand waiting for work to be over. I chatted with my coworkers about how excited I was that I had reached 12 weeks! This was it! I was really going to have a baby!

My husband picked me up from work and we both went to the appointment, 

The doctor was running behind by about 45 minutes. Stephen waited patiently. I wasn't as patient, I checked the time constantly.

Finally we were shown back. The nurse did a urine test and told me everything looked good. Our doctor's assistant came in and said she would be taking care of us, which was fine, I didn't really care who helped me hear the heartbeat, I just cared that I heard it.

"Everything looks good! Lets take a listen, shall we?" 

At last! This is what I had been waiting for!

I laid back and let the doctor use a small tool to listen, I could hear every movement inside my body and she moved the device over my abdomen. I waited to hear the tiny, rapid, heartbeat I had read about. 

"Hmm... Has anyone told you that you have a tilted uterus?"
"Um... no. But does that explain why you can't find anything so far?"
"That can certainly be why. You are also pretty early, so what I am going to do is order an ultrasound so we can take a peek and see what is going on."

We were led to a dark room with an ultrasound machine. The machine seemed old, the picture on the screen was pretty fuzzy. She studied the screen as she moved the probe around.

"Hmm.... I can't get any definitive heartbeat. I am going to ask the doctor what he would like to do. He may want to take a look himself or he may want to send you up to the hospital and have you do an ultrasound up there, they have much better machines up there."

My heart began to sink and my eyes welled up with tears.

"Hey," Stephen said calmly as he squeezed my hand "everything is going to be OK, you saw the screen, no wonder she couldn't get anything definitive!"

I tried my hardest to take a deep breath and dry my eyes. 

My doctor came in and told me he was going to take a look but they also called the hospital to have an ultrasound set up. He studied the screen.

"I don't see a heartbeat." He said. "However, this machine is not the best for detecting heartbeats this early on. I am not going to lie to you, this could be a miscarriage. I have had it happen before where we don't find anything on here but when they are checked at the hospital they find a heartbeat right away. I don't want to give you false hope, but I also want to let you know it is possible that everything is fine."

Stephen drove to the hospital as I sat quietly crying in the passenger seat. 

The ultrasound tech looked, I could see clearly that there was no movement. 

"I am very sorry, I don't see a heartbeat. Judging by the measurements, the fetus stopped growing just short of 9 weeks which isn't much bigger than when we had the dating ultrasound."

I sobbed. Loudly. The tech left the room to give us a moment and to call my doctor. 

Stephen held me tight and I soaked his shirt with tears. He comforted me and told me that he loved me and that we could get through this together.

A man came in and introduced himself as the radiologist and asked if he could take a look. All I could think was "don't make me watch that again." But part of me hoped that everyone else was wrong so I let him do yet another ultrasound. 

Again, I was told I has miscarried my baby.

On January 8, 2016 I had a D&C to remove the fetus. 

November 9, 2015 changed my life. January 6, 2016 changed it right back.

Stephen and I have gone from be ecstatic, nervous, excited, relieved, devastated, and so much more from the time we found out we were pregnant to when we lost our sweet baby. We will not forget. We can't. We have each other and I thank God everyday that I found such a sweet, caring, strong, compassionate man. We will be parents someday, and hopefully someday soon, but for now I have him and he has me and that is all we need.