The Little Engine That Got Derailed

 One of my favorite stories as a child was about a little train. This little train was viewed by some as small, helpless, and unable to do big or hard things; However when the time came to accomplish the task, it was the little engine that triumphed while those who mocked her realized they had been wrong. 

 I am the baby in my family; Being the youngest, I am very spoiled (spoiled, not snooty) I have been blessed to always have what I need. I was raised in a beautiful home in a safe neighborhood. I had good friends with standards similar to mine. I went to good schools, I got good grades, and for the most part, everything seemed to go my way. Some might say I had a very easy life, and I guess you would be right. 

 Shortly after I turned 19, I met, fell in love with, and married the love of my life. All throughout the engagement, I had people telling me how hard marriage would be. I was constantly reminded that I would be the provider and it would be a hard adjustment. All I could think of was the little engine. I knew I could do it. I would silently encourage myself with "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."

 Married  life was no doubt a big change from being in my parents house. I had so much more responsibility and it was a bit of a shock at first but as the months passed I adjusted and adapted. I began to feel so proud of myself, I was doing a hard thing and I seemed to be doing it pretty well. 

 I have learned never to become comfortable with life, the second you get comfortable, life throws you a curve ball. After working out the kinks of the first few months of marriage, things began to seem routine. Everything worked very smoothly. Then one day, I was heading up to the University to pick up my husband from school when I rear-ended a car. 

 The accident was not bad, both cars dove away and no one was seriously hurt. The day after the accident, I went to the ER to make sure everything inside of me was as good as the outside. It was determined that I had a concussion and that I should stay away from computer screens for about a week. At the time, my job involved pretty much nothing but computer screens. I had to be medically excused from work for almost a week. 

 After returning to work, I was ready to get this "bump in the road" behind me. I did my best to return to work as normal. Soon enough, I felt impressed to get a second job to help supplement my income. I applied and was hired to work part-time at a daycare. 

 Working two jobs was definitely an adjustment. It made for a very long day going straight from one job to the other. I worked about 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week. Though it was hard, I remembered the little train and would chant in my head "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."

 It was not long before the bigger work load took a toll on my health. I began becoming sick to my stomach and throwing up frequently, almost daily. Just as things started to get back to normal, life decided to throw me a curve-ball. 

 The constant sickness made it hard for me to attend the early work hours at the call center. I burned through my sick days very quickly and it was making my managers' and coworkers' penitence run thin. The daycare that I had been working at part-time offered me a full-time position as they were very understaffed. After a lot of prayer and thinking, I decided to leave my call center job and accept the full-time position at the daycare. 

 I knew that it would not be easy to leave the call center. I contacted management to give my 2 weeks notice and was told that they did not want my 2 weeks because they decided to fire me instead.

 I was surprised and a little hurt that after putting in over a year of good work for a company that they would just dismiss me like that, but I already had another job in place. I chugged along saying "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."

My full time employment at daycare lasted for a month. Today, I was called into the office and told that I was not what they had hoped I would be. Through the brief observations they had made while passing my classroom they decided I was not a good fit and they were letting me go. 

I was shocked. I knew I had not been perfect and there were things I needed to be better about, but I had not been given any formal write-ups. I felt I was starting to get the hang of things. I was confused that I was not even given the chance to make a change for the better.

As I walked out of the building, all I could think was "I thought I could. I thought I could. I thought I could." I sat in my car and I cried. 

 What was I supposed to do? I don't have a job. I need a job! I was numb. I felt empty. I thought I could be an adult. I thought I could be a good wife. I thought I could help provide. "I thought I could. I thought I could. I thought I could."

 I sought the comfort of my friends. I spend the afternoon crying and venting. I thought "If I hadn't rear-ended that car all those months ago.." or "If I had just buckled down and worked through the sickness.." etc. I was devastated that I could be derailed so easily.

 I felt so angry. I was angry at myself. I was angry at the daycare. I was just angry.

 After crying and blaming and my friends consoling me for a good 3 hours, a little voice inside me said "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."

Life is definitely not what you expect it will be. Jobs are lost, bridges are burned, decisions don't bring the desired result. I believe that the experiences we have in this life are part of a bigger picture. I know things will get better and I with the help and support of my friends, family, and Savior, I can be The Little Engine That Could. 

Because: "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."