L is for Love

365 days ago, I tearfully watched as the light faded from my Mother's eyes and she passed through the veil. Over the past year, I have reflected a lot about how that one moment changed my life in innumerable ways. In the days leading up to her passing, I would sit by her bedside, take her hand, place it on my cheek and I would whisper "Mom, I'll be ok. You taught me to be strong, don't hold on if you are worried about me. I'll be ok. It's ok, you can go. I love you so much. You can go." I thought I was ready, but how can you ever truly be "ready" to lose such an important person in your life?

A few weeks before my Mom passed away, my childhood neighbor and friend had her Father pass away unexpectedly. She uniquely knew the type of pain I was experiencing and a few days after Mom died, she came to visit me and brought me a gift of a necklace with the letter "L" engraved on the pendant.

I wore the necklace frequently, it made me feel close to my Mom. For those who knew me well, they understood the significance of the letter "L" but there were many people who did not know of my recent loss and would ask me "What is the 'L' for?". I reflected on what it meant to me. "L" stood for loyalty, laughter, light-hearted, loving - put all of those attributes together and it all stood for Laurel and Laurel stood for love. 

I wear this new necklace as a reminder to love like she did - to be like she was. 

After losing my Mom, I wasn't sure how I could get through each day. It quickly became apparent that because my Mom loved so many in her special "Laurel" way, my family would have no shortage of "Laurel love" coming our way. 

I learned that while my Mom taught me to be strong, that was not the only thing that was going to carry me through losing her. She also taught me to love - and that is what gets me through each day. If I can love just one person each day the way my Mom loved everyone around her, then I can keep a part of her, one of the best parts of her, alive. 

Guess How Much I Love You

At this time last year, we were informed that my sweet Mother only had weeks left to live. I remember the feeling of despair as I wondered when in the coming weeks she would take her last breath. I wondered if she knew just how much I loved her. Now, exactly one year later, I find myself again anxiously anticipating the coming weeks, this time however, I am not fearing the loss of a life but awaiting the birth of a new life; Not dreading hearing a last breath, but excitedly listening for a first.

As we have been preparing for the arrival of our baby girl at the end of May, Stephen and I have been completely blown away by the generosity of family and friends in helping us gather the necessities (and yes, I consider bows and tutus to be necessities). Nesting has been in full effect recently, and as I have been sorting through gifts, one gift in particular stood out to me today. 

A dear friend of mine gave me a copy of the book "Guess How Much I Love You" by Sam McBratney. It tells the story of Little Nutbrown Hare who wants to express how much he loves Big Nutbrown Hare. Each time Little Nutbrown Hare tries to demonstrate how much he loves Big Nutbrown Hare, Big Nutbrown Hare tells him he loves him even more. Little Nutbrown Hare eventually says "I love you right up to the Moon." Big Nutbrown Hare smiles and says as he tucks his little one in bed for the night "I love you right up to the moon- and back" 

This book has always been one of my favorites but it has taken on new meaning as I prepare to become a mother. I always wondered if my Mom knew how much I loved her, I am starting to realize that no matter how much I love her, she loves me that much more. I love my Mom all the way up to Heaven, that is very, very far - But I have been feeling that my little one is going to come straight from my Mother's arms into mine, which means my Mom loves me all the way up to Heaven - and back.

I Called Her "Mom"

I don’t have a best friend. Sounds a little pathetic as a stand-alone statement. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends- I have a lot of friends- but if someone were to ask me “Who is your best friend?” I wouldn’t have an answer for them.

See, in my opinion, a best friend is someone that you could do anything with (even if it’s just sitting watching tv or driving in the car) and it would feel like time well spent. You don’t ever feel anxious that you are bothering them because you know that they love spending time with you as much as you love spending time with them. A best friend is the person you call up just to talk, and no matter how much you have talked recently, you can find more to talk about. 

I used to have a best friend, I called her Mom.

My mom was the person I told absolutely everything to – I called her every day on my lunch break just to tell her about my day, and usually I would spend the whole lunch hour on the phone with her. She knew all the details about my job, my coworkers, my in-laws, my ward calling, and I knew all about her life too. On days that I didn’t have work or got off early I would go spend that extra time with her. We planned bridal or baby showers for friends and family members, we came up with ideas for table decorations for ward functions or wedding receptions. My favorite days were when we would go get a Diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Coke from McDonald's and drive around, seeing places she used to live and when we were feeling adventurous, we would find a street we had never been down before and drive down it.

289 days ago, I lost my best friend to cancer and it has been the hardest, loneliest and yet most love filled 289 days of my life. I have amazing friends that show an immeasurable amount of love and support and that is something I will forever be grateful for – because even though I lost my best friend – I haven’t lost any support or felt any less love in my life.